| YAY |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|12:35 am] |
I'm eating again. FINALLY.
Never thought in my life (after doing drugs) I would ever be called "skinny" or even "skinny bitch". WTF? I get called these names from my skinniest friends! haha It's gross that I fit in a little boy's ninja turtle costume.
I'm stoked and excited on life.
Finally grew some balls to move out. That's GREAT!
And....
I still love my friends.
I think my group now is the best by far I've ever had.
I'm too grateful right now.
ahh.
:) |
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| it felt so good. |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|05:46 pm] |
after yoga and stand up comedy with steve, we went back to the hawaii house to make pizza. and finally all the roommates were there. PERFECT. we hung out and joked all night. sarah made it a little awkward, but then after she left, the four of us talked about serious stuff, including the serious shit in my life, and things that happened through out my life. one 22, 26, and 30 year old were listening to me. it felt so nice to express why i'm so depressed and why i haven't been eating in 2 weeks. it's nice to hear input from people who've lived more than i. it was great. aaron, (aka grandpa) stood up with us till 4, pushing 5 in the morning. usually he sends his ass to bed, but he decided to be there. and sean, god, we had an awkward year of silence, but now we're like buddies. i said something about when i was in elementary, i never had any friends...and then he stopped me, and was like, "Don't worry, you have friends now." with a smile on his face. and then later i said, "gosh, i hate it when nick hogs my friends because then they'd rather hang out with him than me." and he immediately said, "cynthia, we think you're better anyway." seriously, that made my night. it was so weird. the whole night started off with phone sex jokes (random) and then ended with some serious shit. it was so nice, i've been wanting this for so long. and steve was really tired. i know he wanted to pass out. so accompanied me on the couch until i feel asleep. it was really cold and he kept me warm. he decided to leave to sleep outside on the futon.
then the next morning...BREAKFAST! woooo!
love these guys.
steve
sean
aaron
yayyyyyyyyy
excited for saturday. |
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| Tired of living |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|11:29 am] |
Such a bad thing to say, but i'm so tired of having to live life, SOMETIMES.
Shit just gets in the way and sometimes I get too lazy to deal with shit. *burp*
I'm tired for over-analyzing shit that doesn't need to be analyzed.
ANALyze. ha.
My life, this year alone, has been taking way too many roller coaster rides. I want things to be steady, but they're not.
I've had so much fun in the last 2 weeks. I love making new friends--and yeah, that's a lot of energy too. The wrestling party was probably the best party I've ever been to in my life, and I was lucky enough to have been invited by those lovely dudes at the Hawaii House. I love good vibes, man. Then I met Steve there, that was awesome. I mean, we've known each other but we're talking a shit load now.
and then Nick crashed the car. I was so fucking upset. My life went downhill with him just SINCE LAST WEEK. I don't wanna be with a dude that I don't feel secure with. I wanna feel protected. He's my best friend, but I hate that it seems like he has to be everybody's best friend. He's too nice, people feel so comfortable with him--i hate it because NO ONE really knows him.
And so then I have been getting a lot of support from friends. Maria and Steve have been checking up on my emotional/mental and physical status. Maria has been wanting to take me out on movie dates. Steve took me to some yoga class and holy shit, meditating was INTENSE. I LOVED IT. then we went to Lestats for some coffee and for a stand up comedy show. then we went to his house and hung out with Aaron and smoked. I felt so much better. And he and I just talked for hours till like 4:30am.
Then Oktoberfest came around. I was in such a bummed mood that whole day. I came home to tell Nick I couldn't have him anymore and I just cried. He wont let me leave him. I just don't know how to. I've grown to be so dependent on him. IT SUCKS! I'm no longer that independent ambitious girl anymore. I've lost it all. I got with NICK immediately after being with James, and to me now, that was so situational. I should have just left James and be alone to clear my head out. WTF man. I should have done that. Nick wasn't entirely my type. He makes a great friend, but WTF did i get myself into? We died. We fucking DIED.
So later that night, Nick and I decided to blow off steam by taking a walk on the strip and holy shit, I see my friends. They all wanted to go to Centifontis for some boot leg beers. So we did.
Then I saw Steve, Sean, Michelle, and Daisy. Gosh, it was so nice to be greeted with hugs. I only feel better when I'm with really good people, and those people are my loves.
I could be wrong, but I think Nick has been hacking into my account and deleting everything Steve and I have been writing each other. It's annoying. He and I have been writing each other comments constantly. So Nick might be jealous. Steve wants to spend a lot of time with me because he wants to be there for me...and just to hang out, of course. Nick can't handle that shit. It's so dumb. He said that when a guy talks to girl for a long time, it just means he wants to fuck you. haha Steve is just a big crusty hippie... he's cute, wouldn't mind, but nahhhhh...i'm sure he has many groupies.
so now, I just don't know how to live!
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Whoaaa can't belive I saw Blink 182 last night!! |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|10:51 am] |
WTF?
This was last minute. First time I've seen them all play. MAN!
Mark needs to stop eating Sombreros--he plays way too damn slow.
ahhhhhhhhhhh....
"Give Mark the clap!" --tom
"Tom, shut the fuck up--we gotta get in the mood for the next song--SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" --mark
"Hi." --Travis
So Asher Roth played first--like wtf?
and then after him, the crew set up for the next band, and I saw that they were putting up a huge banner that read: Taking Back Sunday
WTF????
I didn't even know they were gonna be there!
and...
WEEZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
They're old, but hot as fuck! hahaha
Good night.
Out of all my friends, I happened to be with Adam and Anissa. So crazy! We go to indie punk shows.....but Blink? ahhahahaha DAMMMMNNNNNNNNN |
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| I've cried this entire afternoon |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|11:47 pm] |
and my eyes still feel sore.
My baby brother ended up getting locked up today. He's not ready. and when Rhiannon told me how Richard witnessed a guy getting his arm torn off after being there for JUST a month, I just cried. He's gone for a year!
FUCK THIS LIFE. |
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| I love these two. |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
They make me happy every time I see them or listen to them. I love their happy music! They're getting bigger and bigger, and I know they wont forget about us. God, I can't believe they won a VMA!!!
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| Friends<3 |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|01:08 am] |
Ah man, I am really obsessed with this picture of him. Food, and a smile.
He's such a good person. He's now comfortable with saying, "I love you" rather than, "luv ya". And Maria too--she's great. I ignored all of the rumors, and that's awesome.
But I find it so weird they always see what I'm up to. I feel like a piece of shit because I am way too busy. I just think it's weird because out of all the 100's of people/fans they know, they make sure to make room for me into their busy schedule. Even though it's hard to hang out, I'm glad they're anal about their music. I'm just surprised they haven't went on tour with the Locust!!
 (me in the yellow)
Then Misha...she's like one of my new good friends. She has best friends that she has known since the 6th grade, but sometimes relationships like that turn into shit. She's cool and we plan to eat cookies and drink green tea sometime soon. She said, "I love you" when her ride was leaving the party we were at.
I think these "I love you's" have not been thrown around abusively by friends recently. I've had a few past friends that I've known for years who have never told me they loved me. I just now realized that. CRAZY.
This guy Aaron, we're not like best friends or anything, but he makes me smile every time I get a simple message or when he comes up to me at times just to talk. I think he's very sincere, and that's what I like. He's a busy dude in the SD underground music scene, but he squeezes shit in. Shy, but super dope.
Down to earth Amanda. This girl JUST turned 18. I'm impressed. She is so real. I don't know how to describe this kind girl. You'd have to meet her. She seriously lives the life I wish for. She has this AWESOME camera and she went on tour with Di Niguinim up and down the west coast. She's talented, lives in a cute place in Golden Hill and has a great dude for a boyfriend. Oh yeah, and she is one hell of a musician--so inspirational.
Neil, you're my best friend. I don't care what gets in the way of us, you know I'll always be here. You're everything I need--you're smart, funny, cultural, and just an interesting motherfucker. You know how I feel.
(can't find a fucking recent photo of you!)
Josh, you've been my friend since the 9th grade. You always had a crush on my punk rock ass. I'll never forget the time you tried making out with me on the trolley--weirdo! haha I refused because I didn't want our healthy friendship to change. And last weekend, we talked about how a giant sea monster would gobble me up from Fiesta Island, and you'd live to see that. But then you said, "I wouldn't know how to live with myself. I couldn't be alive knowing that I just let you die. That wouldn't happen." Gosh, Josh, I love you. We always have fun no matter what.
Dustin, I've known you since we were like 4 ft tall. You're fucking hilarious and fucking strange at the same time. You come off as a dick to other people, but I KNOW you're a sweetheart. I hope you and Hali go out. You two would make the best couple.
Kyle you were my VERY FIRST friend ever--since kindegarten. I can't believe we still hang out. You have such a huge heart that I'm super glad we're close STILL. It's insane. We've gotten into SOOO much trouble together, and my parents started to hate you. PUNK ASS! "Can you teach me how to draw clowns?" hahaha <333
And finally, Nick. You will always be my best friend. You're the best boyfriend any girl could want. You're so goddamn open minded that it makes me want to just rip you up and make sure you're not a robot. You're smart as shit but so humble. I'm such a bitch at times, I'm glad you can handle my ass. I'm in love with you and I know we'll love each other forever.
I feel like this is a drunken post, but it's not. I just have been admiring people a lot lately. If I mentioned you, then please be flattered hahah <333
Let's grow together! |
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| Hearts aren't made of glass |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|01:50 pm] |
They're made of muscle, blood and something else.
They don't so much as break, bend and tear.
We have what it takes to keep it together
and move on.
<3Defiance Ohio |
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| I want cocaine. |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|03:18 pm] |
Yeah, you heard me.
I've done a little of it when I was 14-16. I don't even remember it much. It was so hard to get that all of us group of friends had to share. So I just got a little numbing feeling in my throat. I just remember snorting a piece of it from Rhianna's fingernail. haha
I just want to get that euphoric feeling. I always have that feeling when I'm sober, but I just been wanting to do it.
It's definitely not meth. I don't get addicted to things either. I know myself. Nick will only let my do it if he's in the room with me. When I discussed this with him, I thought he was gonna dump and throw me out. He was really open to what I wanted to say, and that's why I truly love him.
I also wanna try DMT.
DMT is natural. I wanna be in that dream state for 20 minutes. I'm not afraid to do it.
I trust myself, and that's awesome.
I was just talking about all these substances with Josh, while we were high as fuck laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. I loved the feeling of melting into the bed. It was great; I haven't smoked in a month or so.
---
Speaking of that night, Eddie's party get rolled.
Shit, I was the only one sober and drove to Josh's house. It was a MIRACLE. I was more stoked that I got Josh, Teddy, and I safe to City Heights.
This weekend was wayyy too eventful. Fucking LOVED it.
Glad I got to see Japanther at the Che...and of course meeting new lovelies!
<3FRIENDS!<3 |
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| "Socialism is whack!" |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|11:24 am] |
President Obama plans to give a televised speech to schoolchildren, presumably about the importance of getting good grades and such. Well, many parents are now saying that they will keep their children out of school that day so Obama can't "...;brainwash them with his socialist ideas."
Relax people, if your children are as dumb as you they couldn't understand the complexities of socialism OR get good grades anyway. |
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| Good sex |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|04:41 pm] |
is good on that note.
Iced coffee is a plus.
Man, I lost so much weight this year. I didn't even notice it. I don't ever pay attention to my body; I don't even own a weighing scale. Everyday I come into work, someone is always like, "Damn Cynthia, you lost a lot of weight!"
"Are you losing weight?"
"What's your secret?"
I'd just laugh and then roll my eyes when I'd walk away.
But then,
I went in my closet and put on something that I used to wear, and holy shit, and now it's all baggy on me.
It's nice. I don't know what I did.
I mean, I kinda have the same Cynthia shape, but I definitely didn't tone up anything. I'm at 130, maybe 125 by now. That's really good, according to my doctor because I have high bone mass.
But now that I have a car, I'm expecting to gain a lot of weight. Less walking and more trips to Taco Bell!
HAHA<33333333 |
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| People lie a lot. |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|03:16 pm] |
I mean, A LOT.
A SHIT LOAD.
And because of that, they turn into hypocrites.
Ah, nothing with me recently, but I observe and they tell me their stories. It really sucks. It sucks because, well, it's happened to me before, and sometime in the future I have to cross this path with someone again.
I really love this person and i know we'll be together. forever.
...blah blah blah, and they tell me I should do the same because it's right.
Then I know it's bullshit in the end...or really I would know it the whole time.
And so they do different.
Changing minds is okay, really it is. But when they try to convince you different, that's when you know they're shitty and untrustworthy.
I need coffee. Now.
:) |
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| Sometimes I don't want friends |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|04:03 pm] |
I love them all too dearly, but it's just the distraction I hate. So then when I'm too focused on school and work, I feel I've missed out on some good stuff...and they always wait on my availability. Then I'm like, "Fuck, maybe I should have more fun time because I'm young."
But shit doesn't work like that.
I'm not 12, I'm 20.
Maybe if I lived on the beach driving a Mercedes, it would be a lot different--Well the fact being 20 and being materialistic means I rely on my parents. But my parents aren't rich so that will never happen.
Responsibility comes first.
I kinda wish I had only ONE circle of friends.
Because there wouldn't be other distractions; I'd be focused on that one circle.
But I have too many good friends that belong in other places.
I have friends that I guess would be in semi-circles..just because we have mutual friends.
But my point is that there are tooooo many people that want my attention.
Hate it, but then I love it.
I love LOVE.
That's all it is. LOVE.
I just figured that shit out.
Well maybe I'm not over summer and I'm doing my best to sink back into school.
I'm just glad I don't have retarded friends. The past I just threw out. I can't stand having people around me that just don't know anything--like I mean...ANYTHING.
Like, a simple question such as....how many senators are in each state.
I don't know.
Something simple.
Or like, the reason why when you walk to the ocean the water is far from the shore line.
or...
why we need bees.
or why and how we're able to see rainbows.
or fucking know who Nancy Regan is.
FUCKING ANYTHING.
I just like anyone who can understand concepts.
I hate bitter people.
I hate insecure people.
I hate liars.
I just love courtesy.
some brains.
common sense.
and spare change.
ha.
I need a balance: I want my youth and wanting to encounter my responsibilities.
gosh. |
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| Fuck you God |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|03:11 pm] |
I can say that because you don't exist. And why the fuck did I capitalize the first letter of your non-existent self? You're nothing. You're not even a proper noun because you simply do not exist!
EXACTLY!!
Without faith, people become psychotic?
hmm....
Your priests like to fuck little boys. I dunno, if ya ask me, that's a little psychotic.
Jesus was a cool dude, and definitely the original hippie, but your idiot followers don't know how to follow.
"Hey, let's go to the Middle East and take the souls of those of men, women, and children and shove OUR arrogant culture down your throat. Let's commit genocide!! YAY!!!"
I'm way too logical to be living in a country where everyone hates to help one another.
EAT SHIT ["god"]. |
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| Edward Kennedy |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|11:25 pm] |
At least he knows what's right about US healthcare. May he rest in peace.
"...and this is the cause of my life...New Hope that we will break the old gridlock and guarantee, that every American, north, south, east, west, young, old, will have decent quality healthcare as a fundamental right and not a privilege." -Senator Edward Kennedy, 1932-2009 |
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| First day of school and budget cuts. |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|12:03 am] |
Sometimes you just wish going back to school would be as cool as the first day of kindergarten. Like singing Woody Guthrie songs...but when it comes to the big leagues, education doesn't censor out the real stuff like they do in kiddie school.
"This land is your land, this land is my land, from California, to the New York island...this land was made for you and me."
But in kiddie school, they don't add, "In the squares of the city, in the shadow of the steeple near the relief office, I see my people. And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin' if this land's STILL made for you and me."
I couldn't stand the prisons. There was no motivation. Failed a lot of classes.
But in Fall of 2007, I walked into my humanities class, and I knew I would like it.
And I sure did.
Even with these nasty budget cuts and the sky rocketing prices for required texts, still love it. I make the campus MY campus. As one of the eleven thousand students on waiting lists for required courses, I'm still happy and am very patient.
That's why we need to legalize marijuana. Just sayin'.
I noticed that the crops were dead--they can't even afford to water the plants.
Anyway, comparative politics should be interesting. And I didn't expect that my dimensional design class would actually be hands on. I will be having fun making masterpieces with Ulysses. :)<333333333 |
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| Meemers |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|01:36 am] |
Please come back.
I miss you.
I love you baby sweets. |
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| NEW CAR |
[Aug. 19th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
94 Nissan Maxima.
for $500 from Nick's sister's dad. We should have gotten it for free. It runs SUPER damn smooth. It needs a new wind shield, smog check, TAGS, and maybe even a tune up. I'm stoked. This will help my man find the career he wants across town.
FUCKIN' SWEET.
<333333333333 |
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| Woke up crying |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|08:30 am] |
I don't want my brother to go.
Sleeping is my new high...I just dream away from this torturous land.
Not conscious.
When I wake up, it's a big come-down to reality.
I can't see him go. Just can't.
What if I don't see him again? I will be trashed and destroyed.
My life wouldn't be the same.
Found guilty.
And apparently has Asperger's Syndrome.
He's not prison material. Why didn't the judge couldn't see that?
He's like a 12 yr old making a stupid mistake.
Walk into his bedroom and you see pokemon posters on the walls.
I can't see him go. |
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